I started a post about how fed up I am with my life at the moment. And everytime I'd type a sentence or two, I ended up deleting them. Too depressing. Too whiny. I felt guilty for even feeling whiny when I know that my life is actually pretty darn good.
I have a mostly great kiddo. This week not really, but in the grand scheme, she's wonderful.
I get to work from home. It can be exhausting to work at night but I like not having to be at work 8 hours a day Monday through Friday.
I have a really wonderful support system. Case in point- my parents are taking Isa this weekend so I can have a few days off.
And yet, I'm having a week where all I can do is look around and think "Is this it?". Because I feel like we're just scraping by with so many things and I'm tired of it. In the great American tradition- I want MORE. More for both of us. And quite honestly, more from myself (which would probably result in more for Isa).
I don't want a life full of different people or places or experiences. I guess I just want to rearrange all the pieces into a more appealing picture. More vibrant. More awake. It's a rather daunting task and I have no idea where to even begin.........
(And now I'm hitting publish before I can erase this entire post as well!)
7 comments:
You just said excactly what I've been feeling! Wish I had answers...here's hoping they are just around the corner for you and your beautiful girl!
Shawna
I think you did just begin, by saying what you want...now make it more specific - sit down and actually write out what you want your life to look like, in as much detail as you can imagine, one or two or five or ten years from now.
Actually, this is something I need to do myself, 'cuz I've been feeling more or less the same way...
Geez, I was thinking the same thing this morning as I laid in bed awake at 3:30 am. I know the greatness of me has yet to be seen and most likely the same is for you. It will happen, I just know it.
I really like Liz's advice. I think a lot of the pain from the present also has to do with the exhaustion of parenting a 3 year old (Is Isa 3?). All I know is, at the end of the day...when it's bedtime and my daughter is trying my last nerve, I feel beyond any emotion that exists and I think, how can it be that someone that causes so much happiness can also make me feel so insanely insane? And then I go to sleep. And that usually helps. Hang in there... It's hard work. Life.
Girl - it's good to let this stuff out! it's important.
and, as you know from my recent whining, it's OK to complain about stuff even when your life is overall good.
so glad your parents are taking Isa for you to give you a little break.
get out there and try some new stuff - even in little doses. but mostly take good care of yourself. and stop feeling guilty!
I've found it very helpful to be plugged in with a group at church, whether it be a Bible study or Moms group. God is constantly speaking to me through my daily circumstances (during both the fun and not so fun times) giving me encouragement and motivation. Maybe that's something to check into if you aren't already doing that.
I can relate to much of this post. I've been craving MORE lately, too. Not so much material stuff - just MORE out of life - more colour, more passion - beyond my amazing daughter, of course :-) Maybe she's the reason I want more - I want more to offer to her.
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